Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
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what could possibly go wrong?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Did…did a minotaur write this
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.