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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.