Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I triple waxed for this?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
That’s enough internet for the day
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.