@robdelaney

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

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@jjhartinger

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

@SomthinBoutSara

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

@PUNISHEDASH

Humans really are like “god loves me most I’m his chosen creation” while tortoises can easily live up to 150 years old and have in built armor

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

@haleysfalling

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

@realHamOnWry

I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.

@kentgrossarth

Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
Gf: What?
Me: What?

@crylenol

BAE: come over
BATMAN: i’m fighting crime
BAE: my parents aren’t home
BATMAN: *tears up* same

@katebarstool

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.