@avainwordland

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

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@sofarrsogud

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

@BreadFoster

I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.

@usermcuserface

A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..

@HatfieldAnne

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

@xodeadlykissxo

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

@Pepperoni_Salad

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

@Home_Halfway

A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.

@BarneyLile

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious