Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.