Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
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{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.