Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
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contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”