Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.