Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Hot hot hot 🥵
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’