Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
You Might Also Like
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Spring cleaning checklist…
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love