@Mardigroan

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

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@catstronomical

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

@invalaid

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

@Marlebean

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

@daemonic3

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

@david8hughes

Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.

@bobvulfov

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

@awescar

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

@neiltyson

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight