Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight