@_Kayditty

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

@rebrafsim

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

@TweetsByTheTony

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

@no_el_la

“feed the cat”

– boring
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore

“fatten the beast”

– interesting
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due

@Ristolable

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

@markedly

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

@crunchenhancer

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

@Girliegurll

I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.