Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
You Might Also Like
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.