Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion


Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?


*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*


“feed the cat”

– boring
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore

“fatten the beast”

– interesting
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due


*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*


Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.


I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.


I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.