im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
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Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
*runs away from it all*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“feed the cat”
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore
“fatten the beast”
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
the goat of all dad jokes
I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.