@tree_bro

Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl

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@yaboydil

Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

@briancthayer

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

@duplicitron

Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.

@_salt_n_lime

I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.

@suz1973luq

Text exchange: me- we need eggs. hub- how many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.

@Parentpains

I don’t make spelling and grammatical errors I invent new languages. You ignorant Count.

@ThaJawn

*takes a hit off the joint

*slowly exhales

Ahhhhhh

This is the best baked sale ever

“It’s a BAKE sale”

*exhales again

Tell me about it

@arcadeseals

her: coffee?

me: yes please

her: how do you take it?

me: orally

@TheDairylandDon

A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.