As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
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A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.