My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Why can’t I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning.
But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks.
Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19.
Me: I guess you kind of get it.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go