I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My background check bounced.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: