Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
This is the best one I’ve seen
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
this isn’t threatening at all
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!