Why can’t mirrors be nicer
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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I just stopped by to water my horse.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.