Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
i was baptized in a car wash
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French