Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
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Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Hell yeah 👍
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster