ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Why can’t we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say “RT if you hate puppies and babies.”
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense
ECHO! ECHO! ECHO! Hahaha. Just kidding Tina! But in all seriousness that’s quite a serious infection you have here.
– Me as a Gynaecologist
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Lindor chocolates are amazing and I’m not sure how everyone isn’t talking about them all the time.
P.S please don’t tell me anything bad about them right now, like if the owner is racist or something. let me finish this bag first.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.