If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
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[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
This classic never gets old . . .
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.