Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I have never related to anyone more.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
shit just got real