My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
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Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.