@TheBoydP

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

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@JPLFR80

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

@meredithmo

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

@Zaius13

The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

@EndhooS

Boss: Are you high?

Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?

@andreahardy33

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

@icrushedmyhalo

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

@AmberTozer

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

@RecursiveTaco

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

@BadaBinge

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.