Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

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*bursts into starbucks*


Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*


my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife


SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot


I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.


Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails


[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?


Playboy has started a new edition for married men with the same women featuring every month.


The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.


I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.