Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful
ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says ‘honk if you love Jesus.’ So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.