Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

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Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.


Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.


Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.


– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?


DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come


I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.


Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.


Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?


Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says ‘honk if you love Jesus.’ So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.