Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.