Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@lazerdoov

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

@Gupton68

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

@SignsFun

When you turn 18 and start life for real.

@TinaMav

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

@Jenny4ashley

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

@TrueTorontoGirl

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

@Not_a_JesusGirl

Playboy has started a new edition for married men with the same women featuring every month.

@Faiza__Tg

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

@mayamanion

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.