@rolldiggity

Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?

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@johntoconnor

How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way

@JaymayAllDay

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

@andlikelaura

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

@AimeeHelene1

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

@PantlessCanuck

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

@smilely_gal

7: “Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?”
Me: “Are you the someone?”
7: “Maybe”

Holy hell.

@Love_bug1016

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.