Next time you’re on an elevator with a stranger say, “If the doors open and it’s all zombies, let’s team up.”
Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
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If she says “well you’re too busy to chat so have a good day”
..what she means is she hopes it’s a good day for your hair to catch on fire.
Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he’s already fought vampires once this year.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.
Me: but 10 is more than 7.
4: ok, then 6 minutes
Me: …you got a deal