Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?

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Next time you’re on an elevator with a stranger say, “If the doors open and it’s all zombies, let’s team up.”


If she says “well you’re too busy to chat so have a good day”

..what she means is she hopes it’s a good day for your hair to catch on fire.


Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he’s already fought vampires once this year.


Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Orally.


Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose


Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]


[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums


I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.


Me: I set a timer for 10 minutes and then it’s time to go in.

4: 7

Me: but 10 is more than 7.

4: ok, then 6 minutes

Me: …you got a deal