Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?

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How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way


You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.


Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car


I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.


Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one


7: “Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?”
Me: “Are you the someone?”
7: “Maybe”

Holy hell.


you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.