@electrolemon

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

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@GingaSnapppa

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

@robfee

Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

@DPRK_News

“Halloween” is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.

@randypaint

rose: yes, i was on the titanic

guy: okay, where is this diamond

rose: first i’m gonna tell u about this boy

guy: can u just tell us where the-

rose: best sex of my life. easily.

@bornmiserable

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

@SethMacFarlane

Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.

@3sunzzz

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

@OrdinaryAlso

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.