I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
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[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Can I have the definition, please?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.