Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.