Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
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Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.