@FemalePains

Why did I laugh so hard tho ? 😂😂

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@Tbone7219

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

@alexlumaga

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

@UnFitz

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

@3dog101

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

@enigmaterics

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

@Kids_kubed

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

@MumInBits

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

@suecorvette

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.