Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
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I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.