Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
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38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.