“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
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lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.