Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
#Caturday
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.