Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club.
Who wants a cold one?
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Tech guy says: “When in doubt reboot. ” Okay, I’ve rebooted but i still don’t see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??