@zebrasyndicate

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

You Might Also Like

@fro_vo

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

@WetMascara

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

@bourgeoisalien

Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective

@DurtMcHurtt

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

@matt___nelson

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

@juliasegal

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

@mbnels

Tech guy says: “When in doubt reboot. ” Okay, I’ve rebooted but i still don’t see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.

@murrman5

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??