The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I have many caverns
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.