Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming