Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
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Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men