Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.