Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
guilty
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..BeyoncĂ©?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.