Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.