Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
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My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”