Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
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Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.