“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
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I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
They’re not wrong
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
In Canada they just call them geese
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.