Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
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“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”