How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
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My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
We need to put an American base on the sun
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket