Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
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I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Me irl
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour