@Shwetangles

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

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@markydoodoo

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

@TheHyyyype

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

@MarfSalvador

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

@princess_snide

Massage Therapist: and now we’ll do the gallbladder move.

-A week later at the dr’s office-

Doc, palpating abdomen: wait… where’s your gallbladder?

Me: I dunno, my therapist moved it.

@NewDadNotes

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

@dave_cactus

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

@Beerhaze

Having a wife and daughters, I try bottles in the shower until I find one that doesn’t burn my balls and wash myself all over with that one.

@david8hughes

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

@thatstings

*Submits synonymosaur as an alternate word for thesaurus

*Waits for Nobel Peace Prize