I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
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*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Massage Therapist: and now we’ll do the gallbladder move.
-A week later at the dr’s office-
Doc, palpating abdomen: wait… where’s your gallbladder?
Me: I dunno, my therapist moved it.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Me: cubic zirconia?
Me: beaded plastic?
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.
[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Having a wife and daughters, I try bottles in the shower until I find one that doesn’t burn my balls and wash myself all over with that one.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
*Submits synonymosaur as an alternate word for thesaurus
*Waits for Nobel Peace Prize
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF