Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.