Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

getting seasonal up in here

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.