*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[someone compliments me]
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*
Me (checks clock): 5:08
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive