@CulturedRuffian

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

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@bonehugsnirony

[someone compliments me]
Me: thanks
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes

@CasbienBarr

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

@PMTheron1

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

@squirrel74wkgn

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

@hookmeupinit

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive