Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)