Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
lol
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?