@SamuelHLowe

-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.

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@5hael

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

@SardonicTart

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

@KenJennings

“I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” –Riley Cooper’s girlfriend postcoitus

@markydoodoo

Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.

@Cheeseboy22

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

@Love_bug1016

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

@johnofah

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

@SteveSuckington

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

@fowlerism

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

@Amburglar_

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.