Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring