Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”